It’s funny re-reading what I wrote as transiting Pluto was making its way over my natal sun. I didn’t really know what to expect. Now, I’m beginning to make out the shape of things to come.

Pluto is very much about power, and I’ve had to understand power in ways I never have before. It’s become clearer that this transit has not simply been about receiving power and being responsible for it. It has been about changing how I work with power – where and how I get it, how it moves through me, what I do when I give it to others. And I can see how far away I am from where I want to be, but at least I now have a very good idea of where I want to go.

The only thing is, I am exhausted!

Much of that exhaustion is of my own doing. Resistance comes and goes. I cling to my impurities against my better judgment. Because it’s easy, because it’s habit, because I’m just so goddamn human and I fucking love them so much. So I’ve held up very well at some points but have been incredibly wasteful and indolent in other areas. Every time I’ve cut corners, I’ve had to pay through the nose. I don’t mind; it’s preferable to have all of one’s inefficiencies laid bare. Suffering and humiliation, the revelation of one’s own ridiculousness, these are all prices that I’ll gladly pay.

If anything, I have been willing at some points, to pay more than what I could recover from. To become totally unbridled, to loosen myself of all tethers binding me to any social order, any humanity. In this way, I have become far more reckless and violent than I ever was in my youth although I now have the wherewithal to keep my shit together so that from the outside, it would appear as though nothing were amiss.

If it isn’t fairly obvious to regular readers, I have a deep nihilistic streak. I would think of nothing of breaking myself to pieces just to gain one more insight, to rid myself of one more weakness. One of the great things about having a 12th house sun is that there is no such thing as a “self” and you are very well aware of it. Being undone is just a way of life. So when I saw this rush of power coming on, I thought that this could very well spell the end of the life I have made for myself. I just didn’t see how any of the structures of my life could possibly channel all that ferocious energy. Something was going to have to give and I didn’t know what it would be. It’s not like I haven’t trashed everything truly dear and precious to me before.

Today I realize that all those structures have only become stronger – and all I had to do was allow my heart to be cracked open that much wider. So the only thing that had to give, was my love. And I am truly grateful for all the human bondage in my life, all that ties me to this existence.

But this transit isn’t over yet; I’m not out of the woods; and dear god, how much farther I still have to go. There are so many other ideas crystallizing but for now, I must rest. And nihilism can wait.